Things have been busy around the Epperhousehold.  We had a funeral for my grandmother this weekend and my parents are staying with us while they're in town.  I'm in a laundry crisis (what's new) and the to-do list has been put on hold.  I think it's a mystery how God speaks to you even when you don't think you're really listening.  He's always there, silently speaking to your heart.

On January 1 Ben posted about "now."  I like the way he put it.  It is hard to live in the "now."  To obey right now; to love right now; to forgive right now; to hold someone right now.  To sing and dance in my living room right now instead of complain about the fact that I need to dust, make dinner...  I have found that no matter how much I plan and prepare for anything in life, I'm not ever really prepared for what's coming.  But how comforting to know that I can hide under the shadow of the Almighty's wings.  I always envision that verse as a majestic eagle soaring through the canyons with little me (about the size of a barbie doll) hiding under his wings, hooked on, enjoying the ride and knowing that I'm in the right place.  I can't fly like him, or navigate, or possibly know where to go next, but He does.  He takes me on this wild ride and I get to see the scenery and feel the wind and cringe when my stomach drops every few moments, but all the while he has me held close and safe. 

How much more time do we spend thinking (or worrying) ahead than enjoying (or suffering) right now.  One thing's for sure: nothing ever stays the same-- except I AM. 

I'm going to go hug a kid.  I'm bound to find one somewhere upstairs.

Call me emotional........I don't care.  But does anyone ever feel like one day you are strong, and your heart is soft to listen to His leading, and then the next day, you stumble and feel like giving up.  Maybe it's just me, but that's been the latest struggle.  I don't think my heart-of-hearts would ever actually "throw in the towel", but I feel defeated sometimes and I don't like it.  It makes it harder to stand up straight the next day. 

A couple weeks ago I vistited a friend who needed some encouragement, so I took her dinner.  I was angry with my own circumstances when I left to go see her (apparently I even slammed the door behind me when I left), and all the way to her house I muttered bad things to God and to myself.  I was determined that even though "good will" usually makes you feel better, I was just going to drop the bag of food on the doorstep and then spin my tires and take off for who knows where.  When I arrived, the house was dark, so I was relieved.  However, as I walked up to the door, it opened, and my friend was there to greet me.  We talked for about 30 minutes on the doorstep, long enough for God to hit me over the head.  He used her to audibly tell me that we shouldn't cry about our circumstances, because our suffering isn't as painful as someone else's.  She had been in the hospital and had been full of sadness, until she saw someone next to her who had several more problems, yet was still there, full of hope.  I was (and still am) basically 99% selfish.

To make a long story still long, I drove home with a softer heart.  What is up with that?  How can you curse with your mouth one minute and be grateful 30 later?  Are my knees weakening in the battle, or is this normal...  Whatever the case may be, this is something that I deal with.  Also, while I'm at it: why is it that once you seem to have "conquered" one kind of temptation or testing, another one comes right along?  I know that tension produces strength, but it's hard--like I'm always wrestling.  I think I know the cure to my problems--saturation in His presence and His word and His Spirit.  Maybe I don't take enough time to soak. 

Yeah, it's late.  Of course.  Maybe i should become dawnblogger instead.

Xanga
I've been gone from xanga so long i guess they kicked me off.  I couldn't figure out how to sign in under my old name, so here it is: the NEW ME!  What's new?  Well, we had a baby girl and her name is Cora Christine.  I guess she is already three months old, but she still seems new to us... Life is good (I wish I owned every t-shirt from the line: I would wear a different color each day). 

I have alot to learn, though.  Sometimes the "ideal" we have in our mind of life and people and situations and organizations is all wrong.  I'm seeing that I'm an "idealist", and it's starting to make me squirm.  I think i need to read Velvet Elvis, or whatever it's called.  I miss the encouragement and life stories from you all.  Good to be back.  Again.

Jennifer